I made it out of the most painful 2 minutes of my life alive. The HSG test was a bitch, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. When the doctor first numbed my cervix I was thinking “Oh, this is not so ba — WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!!” And for 2 solid minutes the dye burned like fire and I thought my insides would explode. Then it was over. And while I was gaining my composure he and the radiologist read the results right there- I have a normal, functioning uterus. My Fallopian tubes are not blocked. My c-section did not leave excessive scar tissue. I have no fibroids. The dye spilled where it was supposed to spill and my uterus looks like a normal shaped uterus.
I left comfortable that we had checked another box off of the fertility checklist. I almost cancelled the test, but had we gotten pregnant again and miscarried I would’ve wondered if something on the test was the reason. I’m glad I went through with it but I would not line up to do it again unless I had to.
Before the procedure I was sat in a room with 6 other ladies, all of us having the same test. All of us wearing the same hospital gowns with sheets wrapped around our waists. We shared our stories and made small talk. Some had the test prior and said it was awful and some said theirs wasn’t that bad, so I really think it is different for everyone. I wouldn’t trust what you read online as far as what a painful test means because I read that painful=blocked Fallopian tubes and mine were not blocked at all and it still hurt. I took ibuprofen and Valium before I went in, stupidly forgetting that the Valium they gave me for my LASIK surgery in 2011 didn’t kick in until I got home. Oh well.
The next step in our fertility journey is getting the results of Matt’s chromosome analysis back (mine came back normal) and me going in for a 3 hour blood glucose screening next Wednesday because my insulin levels are elevated (Thanks, PCOS. Thanks a lot).
I call this Hell Week because Monday was the hsg, Tuesday was the first anniversary of our miscarriage last year at 10.5 weeks, and Wednesday I got sick enough to require a doctor’s visit Thursday. I’ve spent all of Friday in the bed, medicated for tonsillitis and a chest infection.
We wanted to do something to commemorate our baby that didn’t have a chance, but not in the “let’s take a bunch of pictures of us releasing balloons and share them on social media” way. We kind of wanted to do something private and not explain to Quinn what we were doing because she’s a kid, ya know? I did want to release balloons but forgot about the time change making everything dark super early so we got a big pumpkin muffin, lit a candle and sang happy birthday. Quinn clapped and sang along and Matt and I both looked at each other then looked away because we were both on the verge of tears.
It’s been a rough year. I found this, which seems so fitting for what we are going through-
Yes. It hurts because it mattered so much to us and it’s gone. This goes for the one that happened this September, too.
I feel like my body has been put through hell, by circumstances beyond my control and some in my control.
Obviously I didn’t gain all of that in a week, but October was a rough month emotionally around here and I inhale my emotions in the form of cheese, milkshakes, chips, cookies, and any other junk I can get my hands on.
It’s a viscous cycle, and one I’m ready to break- because yesterday at the doctor I couldn’t get a steroid shot because my insulin levels are up (to be fair, I had to discontinue my metformin because of the procedure Monday. I started back up today) and my blood pressure was high.
So I’m going back to old trusty. Tracking again starting today, hoping to drop some weight in the middle of this fertility storm so I can give our future kid a better shot. I’m embarrassed of how many jars of cookie butter I’ve single handedly eaten. Embarrassed.
But, true to what has always happened in my life with the highest of highs come the lowest of lows, and vice versa-
We bought a house! It’s adorable and we close in December. I don’t know if it will be our forever home, but it will be our “We could stay a few years and not move every year” home. The house has been completely renovated and has new kitchen appliances, heat, air, flooring, paint, trim… It’s like walking into a brand new home but it was built in 2004. We love it and the best news is it’s in the same neighborhood we are renting in, but closer to the pool and clubhouse.
I always said I didn’t want to live in a neighborhood where all of the houses look the same but there’s something about our little neighborhood. Halloween night the sidewalks were full of kids and adults dressed in costumes going door to door. It was pouring but everyone was having a blast, us included.
Our anniversary was also Halloween. Three years ago I married the man I was meant to be with. We have been through a lot in 3 years, more than most couples go through in 10. But we continue to get stronger as a couple. He and Quinn are my universe and having them surround me with love this Hell Week has been the best.
Matt has taken Quinn to do fun stuff while I rest up. Then I get texts like this.
Bless his heart and apologies to any kid Quinn’s potty mouth rubs off on.
